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Post-Reagan Death Valley Days Set

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America Prepares for High Colonic

Only hours after the death of former President Ronald Reagan, CBS television announced that it would rush new episodes of “Death Valley Days” into production. Reagan hosted the television version of the long-time radio show just before he became Governor of California in 1966.

Although the old version of the show featured vignettes about life and history of California’s scorched earth near the Southern Nevada border, the new version of the show will be relocated to a more contemporary setting, the network said. “This will not become a 20-Mule Team bore,” a network vice president said.

Industry observers say Death Valley Days will be an attempt to gloss over the network’s attempt during the last November sweep to air a biography of America’s 40th President. Republicans and conservatives were reportedly incensed at the idea of portraying Reagan as a heartless homophobe and Nancy Reagan as his controlling spouse. "There you go again, " a spokesman for the FOX News Channel said, when told of the CBS plans.

The new reality show will be relocated to Fallujah, Iraq, and feature a team of 20 air controllers fired by Ronald Reagan in 1981, who are trying to escape the desert heat, insurgents, and a Halliburton mess hall crew. According to the screenplay, the air controllers have suffered without employment through the Reagan and Bush recessions, although the band of brothers briefly formed a dot.com portal for disgruntled postal workers during the Clinton years. “We wanted to help postal workers put their feelings in perspective,” an air controller said. “If they think putting up with postal customers in rain, sleet or snow is difficult, they should try reading a pink slip when the only thing between you and a disgruntled 747 is a pane of glass installed by the lowest bidder. “

The dot.com effort didn’t have a lot of success. Like many of its fellow online portals, stampout.com soon found itself in the dead letter office.

The new Death Valley Days will feature a series of events that pay tribute to Reagan and his notable accomplishments. Contestants will compete in a woodcutting event at a desert oasis, while chomping down jelly beans. Later, they will trade a jar of jelly beans disguised as an AK47 to rescue their colleagues that have been taken hostage. During the entire competition, contestants must keep accurate records of their spending and make sure that record deficits are achieved. Finally, the contestants will trickle down to a basement bunker where Admiral Poindexter and Ollie North are planting weapons of mass destruction into the Iraqi soil.

CBS denied that it is attempting to console right-wing forces incensed at the network for attempting to smear Reagan who had been out of the public spotlight for 10 years. In fact, the network said it would air public service spots calling for the face of Reagan to be carved into a mountain side. “Not at Mount Rushmore,” the network VP clarified,” but perhaps as a replacement for New Hampshire’s Old Man in the Mountain.”

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