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| It's Kerry-Edwards Two Americas, One Ticket |
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That puff of white smoke you saw coming from the Heinz 57 headquarters in Pittsburgh this week was not the latest batch of Cream of Broccoli soup. The College of Cardinals-like decision to select John Edwards for the second spot on the Democratic party ticket may have seemed like an easy choice, but insiders tell of buckets of blood, sweat and tears being tossed about in a political marathon over the Fourth of July. While the New York Post clearly got it all wrong, the Drudge Report at least got it only half-wrong. The Senator from New York was never really considered by the Kerry campaign, but her husband at least made an effort for a place on the ticket. Bill Clinton had been retired for nearly four years now, and couldn’t stand the quiet around his Harlem office. Even after killing a forest of trees for his life story, there was only so much an ex-president could do. Collecting millions of dollars in speaking fees was much more fun than testifying in front of a grand jury, Clinton admitted, but it just wasn’t the same as waking up every day and seeing your name dragged through the mud. “Even the Drudge Report hasn’t accused me of raping anyone in months,” Clinton said. Clinton believes that perhaps the massive unemployment that followed his successor into office may not have been the result of just the tech bubble. “There are millions of Clinton haters that had to at least slow down their efforts when I left Washington,” Clinton admitted. “Even poor old Ken Starr was exiled to Malibu.” The office of Vice President may not be worth “warm bucket of spit,” according to one-time Vice President John Nance Garner, but to Clinton, the office might have provided a means around the evil 22nd Amendment. “It’s the economy, stupid,” Clinton revealed to Kerry,” and the US economy survives primarily upon Clinton bashing.” In his campaign for Kerry’s ears, Clinton noted that even Ronald Reagan once considered naming former President Gerald Ford as his running mate, before settling for the father of the current US President. “If Reagan had gone ahead with that idea, George W. Bush might still be soaking the taxpayers of Arlington, Texas instead of the entire nation, “Clinton noted. Clinton said he mainly wanted to continue to serve the American people — even if it was only to preside over the US Senate and attend funerals of other leaders. “I am very much looking forward to the funeral of Osama bin Laden,” Clinton added. Clinton added that he would work cheap, as his book and speaking income were more than enough to satisfy his needs. He did note that he would require a small staff as a vice president. “A couple of interns are all that I really need,” Clinton added. “I wouldn’t want to leave any stains on the budget deficit.” After a long evening of discussion with his foremost advisor, Teresa, Kerry began to visualize his own role as a second banana to the vice president. Kerry recognized the need for a bit of charisma on the team, which ruled out the selection of Dick Gephardt. Michael Moore was already busy on his next documentary, “Fahrenheit 9-11 and Me.” So it came to be that the man Kerry once saw as a “young whippersnapper” came to the forefront of the discussion. The charismatic John Edwards was noted for his talk of two Americas — one for the privileged and one for everyone else. Kerry was eager to learn about the other one. |
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